Please Don't Feed the Children

The movie trailer got me more caught up in the story than the movie itself, unfortunately because I had expectations that were perhaps too high for the movie.

I’m only adding to my list out of sheer curiosity because I love the genre so much but I’m not expecting too much…

Please Don't Feed the Children? Please Don’t Make Another Movie.

Destry Allyn Spielberg’s feature debut, Please Don’t Feed the Children, is less a film and more a masterclass in squandered potential. Trading on apocalyptic dread and a vaguely intriguing premise, a virus turns adults into cannibals while kids are scapegoated, it quickly devolves into a parade of clichés, logic gaps, and soul-crushingly dull storytelling. The fact that Spielberg shares a last name with one of cinema’s greats isn’t just ironic; it’s the film’s unintentional thesis: talent isn’t hereditary.
Let’s start with the setup: Orphans flee persecution, stumble upon Clara (Michelle Dockery, straining to elevate nonsense), a prim farmhouse dweller with secrets. Sounds serviceable? Think again. The script, a tangled mess of half-baked ideas, forgets to make us care about anyone. The orphans? Cardboard cutouts defined by stupidity (seriously, who pauses mid-escape to fetch a car first?). Clara? Dockery commits, but her character’s "sinister" motives are telegraphed with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, leaving zero tension. Giancarlo Esposito, reduced to a glorified cameo, looks like he’s wondering how his agent failed him.
Spielberg’s direction is equally baffling. Scenes drag interminably (this could’ve been a 20-minute short), while "thrills" rely on dim lighting and characters making bafflingly idiotic choices. The promised cannibal horror? Barely present. Instead, we get a derivative lockdown in a farmhouse, where the only thing getting devoured is the audience’s patience. It’s The Walking Dead at its most filler-episode lethargic, minus the budget or self-awareness.
And the "nepo baby" elephant in the room? It’s unavoidable. This isn’t just amateurish; it’s a depressing showcase of how connections can greenlight projects devoid of merit. The script’s glaring flaws, wooden dialogue, zero character development, nonsensical geography (New Mexico? Belize? Who knows!), scream for intervention that never came. Spielberg labels this a mix of The Goonies and Children of Men. It’s neither. It’s generic gruel, tasteless and undercooked.

The Verdict
A chore disguised as cinema. Wasted actors, a lifeless plot, and direction that mistakes murkiness for mood. Even by Tubi’s low bar, this is a nadir. The title’s real warning? Please Don’t Waste Your Time.

2 votes before release😡